Cougar is a serial killer, or Don't Touch The Hat
by DarkSeductress
Summary: All of the Losers are a little insane, but you do not touch Cougar's Hat because that's just a different level of insanity. Warnings for: dark twisted humor, violence, slight JensenCougar, profanity, slight gore.


**Title:** Cougar is a serial killer or, Don't Touch The Fucking Hat

**Author:** darkemptyheart/DarkSeductress

**Fandom:** The Losers (movie-verse)

**Wordcount:** 2102

**Rating:** R

**Pairings:** slight Jensen/Cougar

**Warnings**: violence, profanity, gore, dark-crack, dark humor

**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Losers or the characters. They are owned by Vertigo Comics and Warner Bros.

**Prompt:** badass, dangerous Cougar for losers_fic lj comm (dvd release fic party), requested by galadhfea

**Summary:** All of the Losers are a little insane, but you do not touch Cougar's Hat because that's just a different level of insanity.

Cougar is a Serial Killer, or Don't Touch The Fucking Hat

When Clay's unit first formed it was clear to anyone with eyes that they were all a bit...well crazy. Jensen would prefer it said that they were all special snowflakes with less than sane tendencies, but really who wanted his expert opinion?

Clay while being a colonel couldn't follow orders to the letter to save his life and had a penchant for fucking women, who tried to kill him (or slash his tires or blow his apartment up or cut his dick off.)

Roque was just generally unpleasant, to put it mildly. He threatened to kill all of them on a daily basis, usually got into a fist-fight with Clay every other week, and everyone was just waiting for Jensen to wake up with an organ missing (Roque promised them all Jensen would still be able to hack. Somehow Jensen didn't find that promise reassuring.)

Pooch was the most sane of them all, which wasn't saying much. He loved anything with an engine (but not more than Jolene) and often would pick the most conspicuous vehicles for their getaways. Clay explained to Pooch the specific meaning of _inconspicuous_, Pooch nodded, said, "Yes, sir," and on the next mission picked a fire-engine red van. Afterwards, Clay tried reprimanding Pooch, yelling at him, threatening bodily harm, and court-martial, but Pooch continued to pick weird-ass vehicles for their getaways and since they got away (usually without much injury) Clay just stopped bitching about it.

Jensen liked hack in his boxers and sometimes a pirate-hat, then if that wasn't enough he just wouldn't shut up. He talked to his computers, to the wall next to him, to his team-mates(or more like at them), hell even in his sleep. He would go off on tangents that made sense to no one other than himself and even when Roque held him down with a blade to his throat intent on cutting his tongue out: Jensen just continued _talking_.

("Roque, why are you holding me down? Dude, I did not know you got down like that. I mean I'm totally hot, so how could you resist? But really, I'm not into knife-play. Met a girl who wanted to taste my blood, which was kinky and I was like 'sure, I'll try anything once' until she pulled out a knife as big as yours and I was not into being carved up. I mean, why mar perfection? Wait, are you really going to cut my tongue out? Clay! Pooch! Coug! I think Roque needs some help!" "No, Jensen, you're gonna need help. Now fucking hold-")

Then of course there was Cougar, a sniper who never used a spotter and a man of few words but plenty of expressions. At first everyone thought his sanity was on par with Pooch's. After being on the team a few months came his nightmares and the understanding that he suffered from PTSD. From what, no one was sure (except maybe Clay and he wasn't talking). So they upped him to maybe Clay's level of insanity, but then Pooch made the mistake of trying to wake him from a nightmare and almost got a hole the size of the Grand Canyon blown threw his skull. Cougar was officially hovering between Clay insanity and Roque insanity. There was also the mystery of his Hat. No one knew where Cougar got it. When asked he would only smile (insanely if Jensen were asked). Or why he wore it all the time. He'd only give the same smile and say in Spanish, "Because I like it." Or why they got a sense of forbidding the first time Jensen tried to touch it and Cougar growled in English loud enough for the whole team to hear, "Don't ever touch the Hat." So the Hat issue Cougar had was weird, but the team just left it at that (except Jensen, who would make up conspiracy theories about it when he thought Cougar wasn't in listening distance: "It has to be a government experiment! Maybe it keeps his soul in. Or it's like his fucking super-power.")

So the Hat issue was left at that for the longest time until the Hat incident or what Jensen called "Holy fuck, Cougar is a fucking serial killer if you touch his Hat! Never touch the Hat!" (Jensen swears he was only half-joking about the serial killer part later. Cougar would only smile.)

The Hat incident like many of the incidents the Losers tended to find themselves in started with an operation gone bad. Many details as to how and why this particular operation went south are lost in time or Jensen's wild imagination. No one can ever tell and those details aren't important.

The most important detail is that the Hat got _touched_. One of the bad guys noticed how Cougar kept dodging another's attempts to remove the Hat and decided he would be the baddest of all bad guys and not only snatch it off the sniper's head, but sit it on his own as he proceeded to mock Cougar. Jensen, the only living witness to the incident (and he has the feeling Cougar only kept him alive, despite being a team-mate, to tell the tale, so no one would EVER touch the Hat again), couldn't help muttering, "Bad move, fucker. You _never_ touch that Hat." The bad guy holding Jensen paused for a second, because really was he hearing a capitalization on the word 'hat', before butting Jensen in the back of head with his gun. In the moment of fighting a black out and realizing he might have a concussion, Jensen sees an expression on Cougar's face that literally scares the shit out of him because it says, "Hello, my name is Cougar. You touched the Hat. I have now turned from a bad-ass sniper to an insane serial killer and you all will die painfully."

Cougar then begins to carry out the promise in his expression. Jensen watches speechless as Cougar, who he is sure has a few bullet wounds and has lost a lot of blood, proceeds to head-butt one bad guy, kick the other across the room (and who knew Coug could kick that hard, must be the Hat), somehow through some gymnastic move get his cuffed hands from behind his back to his front, then he picks up a gun. The guy holding Jensen has his brains splattered all over the wall and Jensen. The two bad guys previously holding Cougar get shot full of holes in very painful places. And the baddest guy of all bad guys, who is still wearing Cougar's Hat (the dumb fucker), is in just as much shock as Jensen, so doesn't make a move as Cougar slowly places down the gun and picks up a knife off one of the dead bodies.

Again what Cougar says as he advances on the baddest of all bad guys is mostly lost to time, Jensen's imagination, and his non-understanding of Spanish. But it has to be the scariest shit to ever be said in Spanish and English and Klingon and every other language known or made up because the baddest guy of all bad guys pisses his pants as Cougar reverently takes the Hat and places it back on his head.

Jensen then watches slack mouthed as Cougar proceeds to carve the baddest of all bad guys up with a grace and sadism that literally makes Roque cry later (because really he's insane and only he would find what Cougar did beautiful). And the baddest of all bad guys turns out to be the most pathetic bitch of all bitches because he screams, sobs, pleads, and apologizes as Cougar goes to work cursing him in a mixture of Spanish and English. Just before Cougar slits his throat he growls, "Never ever touch the Hat." And Jensen considers himself a little more insane than usual because Cougar growling, covered in blood is kind of hot and terrifying and he doesn't know if he wants to piss or jizz his pants as Cougar meets his wide eyes.

And they stare at each other: Cougar crouched over the most pathetic bitch of all bitches, splattered with blood and body fluids, the knife still dripping blood and Jensen shocked, his brain firing a trillion thoughts half-aroused, half-terrified. Jensen will swear to everyone that Cougar was seriously considering slitting his throat (Cougar will roll his eyes and sigh, but never deny it) because Jensen had seen him without the Hat, had seen the Hat taken and anyone who sees abuse to the Hat must die.

The staring contest ends as Clay and Roque burst through the door, guns drawn, ready to commit violence, only to stop and stare at the carnage before them.

"_What the fuck_?" Clay murmurs after his eyes sweep the room and land on Cougar.

Roque moves over to Cougar like a man entranced. He studies the body and though he may deny it, Jensen swears tears start to gather in his eyes as he mouths, "Beautiful."

Jensen's brain and mouth finally synch up, "They touched the Hat and Cougar turned into a fucking serial killer! I swear to God, Colonel..."

At that point Clay comes back to himself realizing that Cougar is wavering and probably suffering from blood lost (has to be with all the blood covering him, but all of it can't be Cougar's can it?). He ignores the tears in Roque's eyes because really that's disturbing and he just isn't going there. He tones out Jensen's radical retelling because the kid has got to be exaggerating once again and he's found that history according to Jensen is just plain weird (he'll realize later that this is the one time Jensen is telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but).

Clay snaps at Roque and Jensen and Cougar (just for the hell of it because this shit is bizarre) and gathers his team out of there back to the banana-colored jeep Pooch has waiting. Cougar says nothing as he leans on Roque for support. Jensen continues to babble about the Hat and Cougar's serial killer mode all the way to the jeep. Pooch refuses to believe any of it (despite all evidence) because holy fuck, it's a Hat and Cougar is not that fucking insane yet, _is he_? Pooch prefers to believe one of the bad guys made a pass at Jensen (those two have got to be together or close to getting together) and Cougar didn't react well and he will keep to that reason forever because it's a fucking Hat (but just in case, he's never going to touch the damn thing).

So after the Hat incident no one ever makes a move to touch Cougar's Hat again, at least not amongst the Losers. And between Jensen's big mouth and the carnage left in Cougar's wake, allies and enemies alike never ever touch the fucking Hat again (because while Roque thought Cougar had created art, everyone else was just terrified).

So a few years later when the Losers had been burned by Max and hooked up with Aisha and she made a move to touch the Hat, everyone tensed. Aisha raised an eyebrow. Cougar gave her that weird smile and warned in sweetly accented English, "Never touch the Hat."

Once the moment had passed, Jensen proceeded to retell the tale, "No one knows how he got it, where he it got, or why Cougs even has it, but we all know to never touch the Hat. Cause he's goes fucking psycho and you know how you like ears, well Cougs likes blood and lots of it when someone touches the Hat. Did you ever hear about that incident in..."

And for the first time since Aisha's met Jensen, he has her full attention because he has got to spewing a bunch of bullshit as usual, but as her eyes flick to Clay and then Pooch, she knows there is a lot of truth to tech's rambling tale. Once Jensen finishes rambling, she feels tears pricking her eyes because, damn, that type of precision and patience and rage with blood-loss and bullet-holes, wow, she couldn't have done more beautiful herself.

When she finally turns her stare to Cougar, who has been cleaning his rifle the whole time, he tips the Hat and gives her a savage little grin before going back to his work. At that point Aisha decides that when and if she kills Clay and if she has to go through Cougar, she definitely ain't touching that fucking Hat.


End file.
